That time I stole that Batman action figure
Don’t try this at home kids.
I don’t wish to sound like I endorse theft or shoplifting. I will admit it was a big part of my teenager life. Whenever I did it, my group of friends switched from bullying me to praising me. With them I always shared those hundreds of bottles of alcohol, cartons and packs of cigarettes, food, drink, and anything else I could make off with. The value I brought to the group couldn’t be disputed.
I ended my life of crime before I became a legal adult. I got sober at age 17. I cleaned up my act and got spiritual. I began meditating everyday for at least an hour a day. I studied metaphysics. I applied myself to each university I attended. I ended doing alright in life and career. But before I went on the straight and narrow, I was going through some stuff. I have a couple stories up my sleeve about those days, and this is one of them.
That time I stole that infamous Batman action figure.
Here’s an example of what so many stores looked like during the summer of 1989.
In 1989 there was a ton of merchandise in all the stores leading up to the release of Tim Burton’s Batman movie starring Michael Keaton. I had already stolen tons of Batman merchandise and traded it off by that point. On this day I was out with a few friends on Blossom Hill Road (in San Jose, California) with no agenda. We were just wandering around. One friend wanted to go buy some incense at Cost-Plus World Market. When we went in there I saw an awesome clear plastic toy space gun that sparked when you pulled the trigger. I had to have it, and secured it in my underwear. My friend bought his incense, and we left without incident.
It was right next to Toys ’R’ Us, so of course we went in there next. Then I saw it. The Batman action figure from Tim Burton’s Batman movie that was about to come out that year. It was beautiful. I was lucky to have tons of cool Batman toys growing up. A utility belt, communicators, masks, action figures, pajamas… I scheduled my life dutifully around Adam West’s Batman TV show and all the Batman cartoons. I wanted live in the Batmobile, and pretty much be Batman as much as any other red blooded American boy.
And here was a wall of this new Batman action figure. Tons of them. All glowing like the holy grail. I picked one up and asked to borrow my friend’s Cost-Plus bag. I put it in and we walked out. Just as we exited the store, this mustached security guard calls our attention. He was looking nice and dapper with a tie, and two other associates with him. “Excuse me. We’d like to talk to you about that Batman action figure you took. We have witnesses who saw you take it, and we have you recorded on tape.” I apologized and handed it back, hoping they would let me off the hook. Then he lightly put his hand on my elbow and announced that he was placing me under arrest for petty theft.
My head was immediately racing among my options. Then I acted. Freshman year I ran on the cross country team. We trained running ten miles a day, five days a week. I qualified for the track team as well, but quit because it interfered with my new party lifestyle. I found myself sprinting through the parking lot with this security guard about thirty feet behind me and keeping up. This dude was wearing nice dress shoes and a tie too. I don’t know how he did it. If we were in a more urban landscape like downtown San Jose it would have been a lot easier to lose him.
We were in South San Jose on Blossom Hill Road. You could basically see the horizon with buildings scattered about. It suddenly became clear the odds of getting away and losing him were not in my favor. I noticed a guy in front of the Standard Brands paint store that we were about to pass. The security guard starts yelling “Stop! Thief! Stop him!” in hopes to get help from the public to stop me. I noticed the red light about to turn green, so I darted across the eight lanes of traffic just before they were filled with moving cars. Away from the Standard Brands store and my pursuer.
Then I ran behind a building across the street. My only next move was to climb a chain link fence, and cross a man made creek. Once over the fence, I slid face first through fifteen feet of sharp bramble bushes on an incline. I kicked back over onto my feet, and ran through knee high water to the other side. By the time I climbed up out of there to the street level, my pursuer was just entering the water in his nice shoes and clothes. “Stop! Stop mother fucker! When I catch you I’m going to beat the fucking shit out you!” If my memory serves me well, that’s exactly what he said.
Now I was spent. I expelled so much energy getting me to that point, and I was still in this wide open landscape that stretched on forever. I took a moment trying to catch my breath while he was down there in the water. All of a sudden the same guy who was in front of the Standard Brands store zooms up on a Ninja racing motorcycle. He’s like “Kid! Come here!” My response was: “No way. You’re a cop.” He yells back: “Kid I’m no cop. For five bucks I’ll get you out of this mess.” I was suddenly negotiating terms for my escape with a random Good Samaritan opportunist.
I couldn’t meet his terms fast enough. “I don’t quite have five bucks, but I’ll give you everything I have.” “Get on. Hold on tight.” I think the security guard was almost reaching the street when we sped off. I saw the needle on the speedometer climb towards ninety miles an hour as we leaned into a bendy road. We were gone. He yells back at me through the wind. “So kid, what’d you take?” I was so embarrassed to tell him what this whole thing was about. I yelled back “A Batman action figure!” He didn’t say anything after that. He dropped me off in the Oakridge Mall parking lot. I handed him the few sweaty bills and all the coins I had, and he sped off.
I went to catch the bus to get past where I had just fled, and over to Almaden Expressway where I could catch the 64 home. I was sweaty and bloody (due to cuts from the bramble bushes). At the bus stop I realized I still had that sparking toy gun in my shorts. I wish I kept it as a memento, but it was making me uncomfortable. I threw it on ground. I recall a little kid staring at me there at the bus stop. As the bus passed Toys ‘R’ Us I saw my friends being grilled by the security team on the island in between the flows of traffic. I opened my window and waved as I passed them. They were just inches away, and I was passing them undetected.
When I got home it was clear that my friends gave me up. After being threatened with being arrested themselves they gave them my information. I even got to talk with the guy who chased me over the phone. He was pissed that his new shoes were ruined. Each time he identified who he was, I did the same as the guy who got away from him. Other than being grounded and having an officer come by to write me a citation a couple weeks later, nothing happened. There was no fee to pay. They just wanted me to know that I was lucky that Juvenile Hall was too full for a lesser offender like me, and they were letting me off with a warning. That last adventure punctuated the end of my long and fruitful shoplifting career.
Summary
If you’re going to be a criminal, do it for Batman. Of course Batman has zero tolerance for crime, so maybe avoid doing crimes all together. Maybe go back to being a good person.
Did I get away clean hundreds of times without getting caught? Yes, but only a small fraction of stores had security cameras installed during that time in the 80s. Usually they only had those round security mirrors up in the corners. If no ones was looking, you were golden. Times changed. There’s no way anyone could score that much so successfully these days.
It also took me a lot of time and work to balance my karma back in my favor after all of that. You always pay for things one way or another. Like Batman can often be quoted: “crime doesn’t pay.” Be a good person.
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