To all the toys I loved before…
What would you do for your inner child? Maybe buy yourself a toy? Maybe make some art?
Smokescreen – War for Cybertron: Earthrise – Deluxe Edition
Transformers Toy Line - War for Cybertron: Earthrise
First revealed in late-2019 at New York Comic Con, a new line of Transformers toys War for Cybertron: Earthrise that most closely resembles their first line of toys in 1984. It corresponds to the new Netflix Original Anime Series by the same name. While I’m not a fan of the writing of this gritty new show, I am stoked for their close adherence to the original look of the original characters that has brought us this line of toys.
A new mindset of self-care
As a 40 something father it hasn’t been about me in general for a long time now. My primary focus of keeping my family alive, healthy, and thriving hasn’t always been easy. For many stretches a survival mode was in effect to make sure all bills were paid, all mouths were fed, all health concerns were addressed, and every other need was attended to. None of those responsibilities have gone away, but survival mentality has been something I’ve been trying to put to rest.
With the pandemic we’ve been adopting a better-safe-than-sorry strict quarantine in our household, as one of our children is immunocompromised. It’s been a strict ‘no’ to so many things. Along with all the introspection time has come the practice of self-care. Self-care, once considered a luxury to put off indefinitely, has become a mandatory practice. Once my family’s needs are met that self-care usually takes the form of daily meditation, daily baths, scenic drives, bike rides, journaling, and shit like that.
None of that costs a dime (except gas money). Just time. Spending money on myself is something I’ve often avoided. I’ve felt guilty about spending money on clothes. Even when it’s extremely warranted and needed. Comic books? No way. In my twenties I spent tons of money on comic books. While I’ve had kids, barely a couple issues a year have been purchased. In spirit of change and being more healthy minded and generous to myself, I started to look for things my inner kid would love to receive.
I noticed Hasbro started reissuing new versions of the same characters from their first run of toys in the eighties. I started adding Transformer toys to my wish list on Amazon. I started following collectors, dealers like TFSource, and Transformer toy photographers like Sixoft and Madformers on Instagram. All because it made my inner-kid-Alex feel alive and stoked. I don’t think I was thinking I would ever make any purchases, unless we had a windfall and money became less of a finite resource. Just making the wish list made me feel good though.
I recall hearing about my mother-in-law asking my wife what I wanted for Christmas. My wife said “why don’t you just look at his wish list on Amazon?”. To that I heard her reply was “I’m not buying him Transformers. That’s weird.” I laughed. I got it. I totally understood it. I mean I was hesitant to make any purchases myself from that part of the list. After a while though, I was like: what if I just did it and spoiled myself with one or two. Would that be enough? Would I just open the floodgates to a self-destructive unhealthy obsession?
“I’m not buying him Transformers. That’s weird.”
Well? What happened? What did I do, and what were the results? I noticed that the price of this one box of two figures I had my eye on (Prowl and Ironhide) skyrocketed. It first retailed for $39, now you would be lucky if you could find it anywhere for under $200. Prowl was the first Transformer toy I bought when I was a kid. That’s why I was looking for him. I found a couple other Autobot Transformers that were almost the same design still priced at retail. Smokescreen and Bluestreak. They were super low in stock. I had to act fast.
Done. Did it. I feel great about it. I didn’t break the bank. I barely spent anything on them. I’m in no hurry to take them out of the box. I may never take them out of the box. I still haven’t removed the bubblewrap surrounding Bluestreak yet (hence the lack of photos). I don’t feel any obsessive need to keep going. I feel good. I feel brave to step out of fear and guilt and do a little something for myself. It might sound silly or meaningless, but for me it feels like a huge victory. It’s act of self love, and validation that I am worthy. There you go inner child. You’re welcome. You’re worthy. What other barriers can we knock down next?
More about Bluestreak (voiced by Casey Kasem on the 80s cartoon)
A little backstory context regarding Transformers toys and me
I know I was very fortunate. Not every kid had the ability to acquire most of the toys of their dreams. I was living with a single mom, and with my grandparents living next door to us. I would mow ours and my grandparents’ lawn for an allowance. I worked my butt off doing chores that my grandfather would handsomely reward me for. Then I’d beg for a ride to Toys ‘R’ Us or Mervyn’s department store to see if they had the specific Transformers toys that I wanted. I collected toys up until high school age.
Tragically when I reached high school age I was so embarrassed by having my collection so I took all my Transformers, G. I. Joe, and Star Wars toys and threw them out with the trash on the curb. I really didn’t want to have one more reason to get teased by my peers at school. I had so many toys it took two giant plastic garbage bags to fit them all. Doesn’t that break your heart to hear? Never mind what the monetary value of those would be today. It kind of sounds like an act of cruelty to myself. Like I was bullying my inner child that day. I cared so much about what my peers thought of me, that I was willing to do something like that. So that personal history kind of better puts into context what this act of taking care of my inner child means. There was a lot to heal there. My childhood with those toys was awesome, and the nostalgia really strikes some nerves.
To all the 80s toys I threw out on the curb that day, I pour out some sips from my forty (figuratively). Here’s to you. You brought me joy. You stimulated my imagination. Thank you! I feel like those conservative toy gifts to myself, and the art I produced below did some good for a part of me that was both looking to heal and flourish. Perhaps there are some other non-toy-related ways you can do the same. Are there parts of your past that you could revisit and nurture back to health with some gestures of self-care?
I thought a therapeutic exercise could be to draw a portrait of each of those Transformers toys that I once cherished. It’s the least I could do for my inner child. Here you go little Alex.
Transformers Toys Portraits
Transformers Toys Portraits Sketch Layer
Below are ALL the toys I threw out that day.
Transformers Toys (All the portraits are from this list and in the same sequence)
Prowl
Sideswipe
Sunstreaker
Wheeljack
Hound
Mirage
Jazz
Perceptor
Trailbreaker
Brawn
Cliffjumper
Bumblebee
Bluestreak
Windcharger
Gears
Seaspray
Beachcomber
Cosmos
Slag (Dinobot)
Snarl (Dinobot)
Megatron
Soundwave
Thundercracker
Shrapnel (Insecticon)
Kickback (Insecticon)
Blitzwing
Laserbeak
Rumble
Ravage
Frenzy
G. I. Joe Toys
Vehicles
Dragonfly (helicopter)
S.N.A.K.E.
VAMP Mark II
Mountain Howitzer
Chameleon
Cobra Flight Pod
Cobra Night Raven
Serpentor’s Air Chariot
Dreaknok Thunder Machine
Figures (Didn’t trash/Donated to friend’s nephew)
Snake Eyes V1
Flash
Clutch
Gung Ho
Snow Job
Wild Bill
Blowtorch
Mutt
Spirit
Airtight
Barbecue
Flint
Quick Kick
Snake Eyes V2
Hawk
Duke
Low-Light
Sci-Fi
Leatherneck
Mainframe
Beach Head
Cobra Commander
Firefly
Storm Shadow
Zartan
Eels
Crimson Guard
Vipers
B.A.T.S.
Strato-Viper
Thrasher
Serpentor
Star Wars Toys
Vehicles
Ewok Village
X-Wing Fighter
Y-WIng Fighter
INT-4 Interceptor
MTV-7
Landspeeder
Scout Walker
Speeder Bike
Figures (Didn’t trash/Still have stored in a Return of the Jedi case)
Leave a comment. What rad toys do you miss (or have held onto)?
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